CP, the T.V. , and I just found me

Cerebral Palsy is an interesting beast. I have often equated her to an untuned television set in that no matter how hard you try to get that crisp, clear picture, it just ain't gonna happen. When I was younger, I fought through the garble, hell, it was even an interesting challenge on most days. I am a firm believer in obstacles building your character and helping you stay true to who you are, what you believe in. That being said, the old girl has been well, I'll just say it, a full on bitch to me for about oh, the last five years. I've watched my mobility slide down a very slippery slope and disappear around the corner, laughing gleefully at stealing what little freedom I've actually had.

It isn't an easy thing to realize at the ripe old age of not-yet forty, you move like an eighty year old. You can forget about slipping away to be alone, chances are if you try it, you'll be slipping away and breaking a hip as you hit the sidewalk in a crumbling heap. Two weeks ago, I steadfastly refused to take the bus alone for this very reason (visions of a rehabilitation centre dancing in my head) and I will tell you, that's not like me. I can usually push the doubts aside and trudge forward. It's a tough pill to swallow when you realize that you're changing the base of who you are to make room for something that insists on creeping in and taking over in equal measure, CP and self-doubt, a deadly combination. (That sounds like a book title doesn't it?) Anyway, I didn't write all of this to indulge in a self-pity moment (though it probably sounds like it) I wrote this because I've conquered her. For the last couple of weeks, the t.v. has been plugged in and the picture is clear. I'm moving better, I'm walking better and for a little while anyway, it's the old Cindy. I've missed her.

I don't know why I'm suddenly firing on all cylinders, but I'll take it because I know this small reprieve will likely disappear just as quicky as it appeared, but yes,  I'll take it, I'll grab it and run just as fast as my tuned in legs will carry me. I earned it, it's mine.

I wrote this now because I want to remember this powerful feeling, this feeling that I CAN get back what I once had, if only for a little while. And for those of you that always "have it" remember that it's a gift, not to be taken for granted, enjoy the "clear picture" because some of us are fighting our way through a lot of static just to do the simple things.